Road tripping, and hurdles

Last weekend my family and I headed off for a road trip to Ohio to participate in my friends wedding. Never having been farther East than Chicago, I was nervous about the drive. I have had acute anxiety for about 15 years. It started when I was pregnant with my oldest child, and has never let up. I grind my teeth in my sleep as a result, and constantly have a surge of adrenaline coursing through me. You might imagine that this makes relaxing and sleeping difficult, it does indeed. It also prevents me from driving on certain roads, and to certain destinations. As a result of this, I have never even driven past O’Hare airport, even driving there has been an exercise in major self talk “ You will be fine, just breathe, relax, stay in the right lane…” etc... Exhausting!


Now recently, my anxiety levels have decreased dramatically, I am still under stress, in fact more now than ever, as I found out that I am losing one of our sources of income starting in June. Usually this would have me in a fine tizzy, but I have just taken it in stride. The only thing I can attribute it to is acupuncture. I told my Chiropractor about the relief from the stress, and he was surprised as well, but pleased none the less. Along with the absence of the anxiety has been the absence of the tightness in my throat (most likely a form of anxiety in itself). So eating and drinking has been comfortable again.

So that is why when my husband announced approx. 150 miles from home that I really needed to drive because his arm was completely asleep (he had pinched a nerve while driving). He announced this at a rest stop, as he headed to the bathrooms. I initially told him I couldn’t possibly handle it, feeling the familiar pricks of panic set in, then I remembered that the severe anxiety that had handicapped me for the last 15 years, was just a memory, only showing up when absolutely appropriate (like when I thought I had lost my cell phone on the trip, that has our navigation on it) So by the time he came back from the restroom, I told him that I would in fact be able to drive home.

After a quick potty break, I was ready; I put in some Bob Marley, because being able to sing to something familiar helps keep me calm. So off I headed, and surprise of all surprises, my anxiety only resurfaced when the brilliant driver in front of me cut off the Semi next to them, and nearly caused an accident.

My husband, bless him, kept his mouth shut about me being able to do it all along, we both know that wasn’t true, because I have had to pull over at exits and ordered him to drive before. Instead he just smiled each time I passed an exit that led to some attraction, I had previously been unable to drive to. I noted the different highways we traveled over, and asked him if this one led to the raceway, or to the zoo, or to six flags he just said “Yep” to which I replied “Huh? Who knew?” Certainly not me.

I have in the past taken baby steps towards being able to drive to Chicago, I have forced myself to drive through rush hour in Denver, and Salt Lake City, and a few other big cities while on trips, but since I actually lived in few of those cities, it was sort of like slipping on a comfortable pair of shoes. Chicago has been a whole different ball of wax for me. I can get there by train with little difficulty, but the traffic has always deterred me, or seriously made me a nervous wreck, even while being a passenger.

So does this mean I can drive to Downtown Chicago? I hope so, now driving through the actual city, well that is another matter altogether. But for now, I will hold on to this accomplishment like it is the blue ribbon in a bake off. It may seem small, but it is a HUGE accomplishment for me.